INTIMACY

He came up from the sofa as I walked in,

pulled me to him with a certain force,

turned up my face to his to kiss me

gently at first.

In the bedroom he took me so compassionately,

inhabiting me entirely,

gazing forever into my eyes

so devoted, so utterly in love with me.

Later we sat naked at the kitchen table

drinking coffee. When the phone rang

I knew after two exchanges it would be

a thirty minute conversation

with his hunting buddy about the deer lease.

I could have climbed into the freezer,

flown out through a wall, set myself on fire.

I had already disappeared in front of him.

I knew if I sat still, he might or might not see me

when he hung up. As it turned out,

he did and he didn't.

Journeying

Bellied up to the short end of the bar or in a singles' chat room, a woman who is ready meets that gem of the one-leg-shy half of humanity, the male who has experienced either a multitude of sorrows or a few profound losses. This man with the deep engaging eyes is not any longer King at War in his own country. He no longer has anything to prove but is thrilled at the prospect of everything to learn. His Princess Bride betrayed him years ago (at about the time he mysteriously lost interest in her anyway). He wouldn't mind having a new princess with whom to explore the remnants of his Kingdom (and kingdoms beyond). But he isn't into queen making and he's tired of the sword play required to gain approval from her royal family, her handmaidens, her mother's former suitors, her father's future pall bearers, all that.

The discerning woman who is ready to meet this man knows that very little is required of her: no gamesmanship; no competitive spirit, no struggle. Only her authentic efforts in communication, honesty, discernment, proportion, and affection, served warm with a dollop of humor--all that she has been longing to give for quite a long time now.

If this singular man and this special woman were by chance to meet, say, as two "buds", they might well offer each other a unique season in which to bloom.

[one-leg-shy = X-Y]

When Serum Turns to Water

THE EMAIL I WROTE DID HURT HER FEELINGS...MADE HER SAD AND PUZZLED. BUT NOT ANGRY. SHE SAID I WAS RUDE AND INAPPROPRIATE. AND SHE WAS SAD AND PUZZLED. BUT NOT ANGRY. PUZZLING.

SHE WANTED TO HANDLE THE CONFLICT BY EMAIL. SO I WROTE AN EMAIL. A VERY LONG EMAIL. IT TOOK 3 HOURS TO GET IT JUST RIGHT.

THIS TIME I WASN'T TRYING TO GET IT TO READ RIGHT. I WAS TRYING TO GET IT TO WRITE RIGHT. SO THAT I WOULD BE SATISFIED THAT WHAT WAS IN MY HEAD WAS WHAT WAS ON THE PAPER.

NOW I KNOW THAT WHAT I HAVE ON THE PAPER WILL BE READ WITH A WHOLE SET OF ASSUMPTIONS AND BIASES THAT I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT, ANY MORE THAN I KNOW HER GLASSES PRESCRIPTION.

AND TO THINK...I THOUGHT I REALLY KNEW HER.


NOW I WAIT...

When Blood Turns to Serum

THERE IS NO FEELING IN THE WORLD MORE HORRIBLE THAN THAT FOLLOWING AN ARGUMENT WITH A VERY CLOSE FRIEND. WHEN THE SITUATION IS LEFT UNRESOLVED, WHEN I COME AWAY KNOWING THAT I DIDN'T BEHAVE ACCORDING TO HER EXPECTATIONS FOR APPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR, AND WORSE, WHEN I HAVE ANGRY FEELINGS THAT I CAN'T GET OUT OF ME OR OFF OF ME, THERE'S A MISERABLE NIGHT AHEAD. I HAVE NO ENERGY TO DO ANYTHING; I CAN BARELY FEED THE CATS. I DON'T FEED MYSELF. I LIE IN BED, FALL ASLEEP, WAKE UP, SMOKE CIGARETTES, DON'T CARE ABOUT TELEVISION OR UNDRESSING OR BRUSHING MY TEETH. I SIT IN A VACUUM OF THE TIME/SPACE CONTINUUM UNTIL...

I HAD AN INSIGHT REGARDING WHAT SET ME OFF DOWN THE WRONG TRAIL INTO MY BLACK FOREST OF NEUROSIS WITH MY FRIEND. I WROTE HER AN EMAIL ABOUT IT LAST NIGHT. THE EXPLAINING WAS GRUELING WORK, WHAT WITH TRYING TO GET THE WORDING JUST SO, SO AS TO MAKE MYSELF CLEAR AND YET NOT HURT HER FEELINGS ANY FURTHER. IT'S BEEN 24 HOURS AND I HAVEN'T HEARD BACK FROM HER.

MAYBE I NEVER WILL. BUT I CAN'T GO BACK TO THE WAY IT WAS WITHOUT SOME ACKNOWLEDGEMENT FROM HER THAT IT REALLY WAS WHAT IT WAS. THAT WOULD BE WALKING WILLINGLY INTO THE PRISON AGAIN, AND I AM NOT READY TO DO THAT FOR THE SAKE OF THE FRIENDSHIP. MAYBE AFTER A LONGER PERIOD OF ABSTINENCE I WILL BE ABLE TO MAKE A SACRIFICE OF THAT MAGNITUDE. NOT NOW. NOT YET.